Ode to the Last Squeeze

Why do our days of struggling to squeeze out toothpaste grossly outnumber the days when we don’t?

Right?!

The same goes for the soap dispenser by the kitchen sink. How about lotion that settles at the bottom of the bottle and refuses to pump out?

Am I the only one who struggles or is this some kind of an evil conspiracy to force us to buy more products?

You guessed it!

There are marketing terms for these phases: “low product days” and “easy full days”.

The fact is we squeeze out liberally at the beginning and stretch out the last 5% for days and weeks. That’s me! I ruthlessly squeeze the toothpaste tube for days. I’ve stopped adding water to hand soap in recent years because we have pandemic-induced germaphobia. I stand the lotion bottle on its head and thump it out on my palm until my palm cries “Uncle!”

Did you know that toothpaste manufacturers have widened the mouth of the tube so we will get to the empty phase rapidly? Do I suspect hand soap is encouraged to thin faster than the natural degradation process would allow? I am not saying yes but I am also not saying no.

Here’s one that reduces me to hysterics - why on earth is the straw in the soap and lotion bottle shorter than it needs to be?

The stock answer is standardization.

Sure, I get that but lotions and soaps don’t come in odd sizes like 53ml or 29oz. You’d figure that the world would have straws that match the standard bottle sizes. But then, how would manufacturers force us to the store to replenish our supply? They couldn’t. This is why the straws are purposefully shorter. At least, that is the prevailing conspiracy theory.

The bottom line is that I am just a minion, a speck in an intricate and global supply chain web with zero influence on efficiency for the consumer.

And so are you.

Enjoy squeezing out that very last bit of paste, soap and lotion. While you grit your teeth and spew choice words, know that you aren’t alone. I am right there beside you, cheering you on and amplifying your curses.

May your easy full days prevail!