2022 was a year when we lost too much unexpectedly. It's a year I cannot wait to leave behind. It's also a year I don't want to leave behind. If we move on, won't we leave Sandeep behind?
Guilt added to grief weighs us down in untold ways. Resolving this takes heaping doses of art and science.
The art of grief whispers Sandeep will always be in our hearts, he will infuse us with wisdom, surround us with laughter and guide and protect us; that Ma's resiliency is a force to be reckoned with. The science says the finality of Sandeep's death is undeniable, that he no longer exists in any form.
This conflict between "present continuous" and "full stop" in a singular thought is utterly confounding!
As I step into the new year, I am beginning to understand that art is faith tying us inextricably to the past and science is the blueprint for doing the right thing every day so we don't arrive at Pearly Gates carrying bags of regret. Navigating the distance between faith and action seems impossible at times.
Surprisingly, it is the art of grief that is activating the science in my brain. It's my faith in Sandeep's forever presence in my heart that is fueling me to live to the best of my ability. It's Ma's smile that is showing me that defying every fiber in your body that makes you cry is the only way forward.
I trust this yin and yang will continue to shine the light on us.
May the new year help you align the many forces in your life, rejuvenate you with laughter and poignantly tie you to the beautiful memories you hold so dear. May the new year help us nudge grief and make room for new experiences. I know Sandeep will add heave to the nudge. Seeking new experiences is the last thing Ma and I talked about before she lost speech to stroke. In that moment of incredible strength, Ma gave us the most precious gift of all: she created the blueprint that we are using to move forward.
Cheers to fresh starts in the new year! Happy wishes to all.